What’s the Question?
In Dalrock’s latest post, the comments brought forth a question.
BY THE WAY: You should know that I write in vulgar terms because this is a vulgar era. Complaints will be disregarded.
It developed from the observation that men are due sex in a marriage, and how important sex is for a man to be connected to his wife. Women are due this, too, but that complaint is rarely heard in our ‘sphere–because that’s not the problem we’re faced with. This led to a discussion on the “double-standard” concerning how the number of men a woman sleeps with makes her a slut; as it relates to
Any number (N) of sexual partners above 1 (excepting any circumstance such as being widowed) will result in–at least–a temporary label of SLUT (N > 1 = SLUT),
but how the reverse is not true. The going wisdom of the Manosphere says, that some number above 1 theoretically exists for the man, but the state of slut lacks consequence for him. This is attributed to various inherent evolved priorities, and risks to men, concerning female chastity. Women, being different–and they are!–,will tend to focus on whether the man has the wherewithal to protect the family she makes with him. So an N well over 1 might be a display of risk that he might leave. This is all, of course, related back to evolutionary principles about how our apeman/caveman forebears were rightfully concerned about caring for offspring; making sure their his offspring; making sure he can protect them; etc.*
Several of the men held forth in this manner; making the otherwise logical connection that women who refused to accept the principles of the equation (N > 1 = SLUT), or acted in defiance of it, were doing so out of a base desire to ape men. This is logical because so many modern women are imitating men, in increasingly any area they covet; no matter how unfruitful these imitations may be. The effect of these statements on the women that frequent the blog was engrossing.
Woman 1 put forth the sadly typical answer that I’ll paraphrase as: “There is no standard. Men and women are equal, and should pinky-swear to go halvsies on everything–including desire, sex, ignorance of sexual history, and other chores.”
Woman 2 gave a defense of the Manospherian concept. She started out fairly well (by the wisdom) and acknowledged that women howl at the “double-standard” because to recognize any standard whatsoever is to accept that virtually all modern women are , or have been, sluts. Not an easy thing to contemplate, for sluts, former sluts, or their husbands.
She didn’t think so either. Her next comments were about how they’d risen above all that. Her husband had slept with numerous women and she has an N >;; 1. Nevertheless, he was her best, and he had settled on her. Obviously she must be his best. With the exception of a couple minor hiccups that are nothing but faded memories: their glue is great!
Woman 3, the one I want to write about, could see something was missing from the discussion. She detected it early on in the thread, but was having trouble putting it to words in a way that most of the commenters could either understand…or accept. Her comments were–taken in all–iterations of a couple questions that I’ll paraphrase first as two questions:
1) Why do men seem to only want sex and chores (food, laundry, etc.) from a woman, in marriage?
2) If sex and chores are what men get out of marriage, then what do women get; given that men and women are different, and especially given a relatively non-violent (not much need for personal protection) dual-income society?
The consolidated question: Where is my Oneitis?
The Answer: Oneitis is for Pussies.
I’ve never seen in the Manosphere where Oneitis is openly held in esteem. It’s a term of derision. The best expression is by Roissy (NSFW):
Oneitis is a disease of the amygdala that presents as a total incapacitation of the man’s logic, reason and interest in hobbies, hygiene and restful sleep. Oneitis exists in two forms, a precoital and postcoital expression of the virus. The precoital, or “#1 crush”, form occurs when two conditions are met: A girl possesses a precise beauty of the face that closely matches the beauty template the man carries in his head for the perfect woman, and this girl is within the man’s visual and aural field. The postcoital, or “no girl will ever be as good as her”, form occurs when the same conditions are met, with the additional factor that the man has boffed the girl and is now not boffing her.
This is the inverse of the rationale for women keeping their virginity until marriage: Why men should remain chaste. Men know this, and fear it. What if he goes without sex forever? The Game approach to overcoming that fear is to confront it; to bash it down by repeatedly banging ever hotter women until there is no standard left…just like Feminists and Buddhists (the one cool religion left).
If you read the whole post, he goes on to deal with only the post-coital form of Oneitis (which is interesting in itself), and his prescription is: Go Fuck Ten Other Hotter Women. He then spreads a more realistic roadmap of what this regimen will look like: Refrain from chasing women for a period; Pursue only women of better looks than the ex-woman; build them up in your mind; then bang them. Repeat.
The Full Answer: Oneitis is for Your Wife’s Pussy
Sex is not the glue that keeps a man and woman together. Sex is the wife’s one half of the compound which–when mixed with the husband’s half of the compound–forms an epoxy that holds a marriage together. His half is called emotional commitment–Oneitis. It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.
This is what Roissy is so good at: His post makes nonsense of the rationalizations of Woman 1 and Woman 2. That is, women who, as exploiters of the mind-field** known as the sexual marketplace, screwed their way into a position that is ludicrous to believe is sustainable; that husbands would–or could!–find such women suitable as permanent helpmeets. Only Woman 3 is confronting this, and she’s been ridiculed up and down for it. Roissy doesn’t give a cure for current-coital Oneitis because it’s not an affliction. Post-coital and pre-coital Oneitis aren’t viruses; they’re sexual disorders caused by one of two conditions:
Condition 1: Men slutting themselves out emotionally to women they had no business giving it to. If he’s not married to her, she doesn’t deserve it. And there’s no getting around that sex will do this to a man whether he likes it or not.*** Whoever that first woman is she is the hottest woman to ever have sex with him, and she will milk that emotional commitment from him as surely as her body milks his. This state continues until someone out-milks her, or he reaches the Zen-like state of no attachment.
Just so we’re clear: For a Christian, Zen is bad. For a Christian man who wants to be, or is, married: No attachment is bad. His marriage risks becoming unstuck because he has mixed the epoxies; layering over the same territory each time; each time committing less of his half of the compound. Eventually, he’ll have caked-on so much epoxy that he might be better described as married to his memories; each grey layer indistinguishable from the next, but never cementing to his wife. It is hard work chipping that off, and starting over. He might not even want to. The memories can be pleasing, in a disordered, corrupt way. In the meantime, he can still play house.
Condition 2: When a woman rejects sex with her man. This particular form of post-coital Oneitis is despicable because it was explicitly inflicted on the man. Wives: Do not stop having sex with your husband if you want to stay married. Husbands: If you’re wife is refusing you then she’s telling you she wants a divorce…though a man may have to explain this to her, as she’s too busy rationalizing why she’s emotionally abusing her husband to realize it. Most husbands cannot remain under this affliction too long. He’ll either withdraw so much as to be nearly useless, or he’ll start making epoxy with someone else.
The purpose of the Sex/Oneitis epoxy is to foster an environment where the man and wife become one. This occurs when her sex draws out of him his emotional commitment, which draws him in further until he’s penetrating all aspects of her life, and gives she gives joy to all aspects of his. She does housework to give him a pleasing environment, and not because she’s anal retentive. He gets involved with choosing the homeschooling curriculum to relieve his wife of the burden of fearing the wrong choice, not because he thinks he’s so smart. This is a lifelong process. Sex and emotional commitment should be, too.
No One Says This?
That’s not quite true: here, here, and here you can find Manosphere-authorized examples of the phenomenon described as Oneitis; though none of them refer to it by name. No doubt there are others, but those are the ones I know about. You should go read them.
*That in itself is fascinating since the best Game technicians demure from children. What happened to their code? How could these genetic giants gain so much insight from studying evolution, but MISS OUT on the code that tells them to have kids? If you can’t trust the code, who can you trust?
***With the exception of men who truly emulate the Dark Triad traits.