Cane Reads the YSV Bible: 1 Samuel 17

This is the beginning of a new series: Cane Reads the Y(our) S(tandard) V(ersion) Bible.


Now the Feminists gathered their armies for battle. And they were gathered at WordPress, which is on the Internet, and encamped between WordPress and BlogSpot, in Cyber-Space. 2And Vox and the men of Christendom were gathered, and encamped in the Manosphere, and drew up in line of battle against the Feminists3And the Feminists stood on the mountain on the one side, and Christendom stood on the mountain on the other side, with a valley between them. 4And there came out from the camp of the Feminists a champion named Roissy of Chateau Heartiste, whose bed held six sluts and a model5He had a helmet of the Ignorance of Beauty on his head, and he was armed with a coat of seduction, and the weight of the Frame was two chicks at the same time.

And he had bronze Frame on his legs, and a javelin of Evolutionary Psychology slung between his shoulders. The shaft of his Intellect was like a weaver’s beam, and his spear’s head had weighed six hundred vaginas. And Irrational Confidence born by Church Apathy went before him. He stood and shouted to the ranks of Christendom, “Why have you come out to draw up for battle? Am I not a Hedonist, and are you not servants of Vox? Choose a man for yourselves, and let him come down to me. If he is able to fight with me and kill me, then we will be your servants. But if I prevail against him and kill him, then you shall be our servants and serve us.” 10 And the Hedonist said, “I defy the ranks of Christendom this day. Give me a man, that we may fight together.” 11 When Vox and all Christendom heard these words of the Hedonist, they were impressed.

Now Cane was the blog-son of a blogger of a Christian part of the Manosphere, named Dalrock, who had many commenters. In the days of Vox the man was already a hit and advanced in posts13 The three oldest blog-sons of Dalrock had followed Vox to the battle. And the names of his three blog-sons who went to the battle were Ashur, the wittiest, and next to him Deti, and the third Brendan14  Cane was the youngest. The three eldest followed Vox15 but Cane went back and forth from Vox to feed his father’s sheep in the Manosphere16 For forty days the Hedonist came forward and took his stand, morning and evening.

17 And Dalrock said to Cane his son, “Would you be interested in writing a guest post making your case instead of defending it piecemeal here? See if your brothers are well, and bring some token from them.”

19 Now Vox and they and all the men of Christendom were in the Manosphere, fighting with the Feminists20 And Cane rose early in the morning and left the sheep with a keeper and took the provisions and went, as Dalrock had commanded him. And he came to the encampment as the host was going out to the battle line, shouting the war cry. 21 And Christendom and the Feminists drew up for battle, army against army. 22 And Cane left the things in charge of the keeper of the baggage and ran to the ranks and went and greeted his brothers. 23 As he blathered on about The Matrix, behold, the champion, the Hedonist of Chateau Heartiste, Roissy by name, came up out of the ranks of the Feminists and spoke the same words as before. And Cane heard him.

24 All the men of Christendom, when they saw the man, fled from him and were much afraid. 25 And the men of Christendom said, “Have you seen this man who has come up? Surely he has come up to defy Christendom. And the king will enrich the man who kills him with great riches and will give him his daughter and make his father’s house free in Christendom.” 26 And Cane said to the men who stood by him, “What shall be done for the man who kills this Hedonist and takes away the reproach from Christendom? For who is this uncircumcised Hedonist, that he should defy the armies of the living God?” 27 And the people answered him in the same way, “So shall it be done to the man who kills him.”

28 Now Ashur his eldest brother heard when he spoke to the men. And Ashur’s anger was kindled against Cane, and he said, “You have a problem with wiles? I get it – you have an axe to grind, don’t we all. You also don’t seem to realize that trying to “prove” something on the internet is something no one should ever attempt. At the root of it, you long for a victory, you desire to taste the visceral thrill of a bold internet triumph.” 2And Cane said, “Don’t mistake my fervor for the topic for a generic desire for victory. I confess to being over-eager–I’ve been musing on this for literally years, and I’ve been hyper-focused on it for the past week.Was it not but a blog post?” 30 And he turned away from him toward another, and spoke in the same way, and the people answered him again as before.

31 When the words that Cane spoke were heard, they repeated them before Vox, at AlphaGamePlan, and he sent for him. 32 And Cane said to Vox, “Let no man’s heart fail because of him. Your servant will go and fight with this Hedonist.” 33 And Vox said to Cane, Game is not a lifestyle or a philosophy, it is nothing more than an analytical tool, moreover, it is a tool that can be broadly applied to a broad spectrum of human behavior. Cane isn’t looking deeply enough, he is too focused on the particulars of what Roissy is advising to understand what Roissy is doing. 34 But Cane said to Vox, “Your servant used to keep sheep for his father. And when there came a lion, or a bear, and took a lamb from the flock, 35 I went after him and struck him and delivered it out of his mouth. And if he arose against me, I caught him by his beard and struck him and killed him. 36 Your servant has struck down both lions and bears, and this uncircumcised Hedonist shall be like one of them, for he has defied the armies of the living God.” 37 And Cane said, “The Lord who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear will deliver me from the hand of this Hedonist.” And Vox said to Cane, “Go,and the Lord be with you!”

38 Then Vox clothed Cane with his Frame. He put a helmet of Ignorance of Beauty on his head and clothed him with a coat of seduction39 and Cane strapped his Game over his Frame. And he tried in vain to go, for he had not tested them. Then Cane said to Vox, “I cannot go with these, for I have not tested them.” So Cane put them off. 40 Then he took his discipline in his hand and chose five verses from the Book and put them in his laptop. His conviction was in his hand, and he approached the Hedonist.

41 And the Hedonist moved forward and came near to Cane, with Church Apathy bearing his Irrational Confidence in front of him. 42 And when the Hedonist looked and saw Cane, he disdained him, for he was but a commenterbeta and churchian in appearance. 43 And the Hedonist said to Cane, “Am I a dog, that you come to me with sticks?” And the Hedonist cursed Cane by his god of biomechanics44 The Hedonist said to Cane, “Come to me, and I will give your flesh to the birds of the air and to the beasts of the field.” 45 Then Cane said to the Hedonist, “You come to me with Game and with Intellect and with Evolutionary Psychology, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Christendom, whom you have defied. 46 This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head. And I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Feminists this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Christendom47 and that all this assembly may know that the Lord saves not with Game and Intellect. For the battle is the Lord’s, and he will give you into our hand.”

48 When the Hedonist arose and came and drew near to meet Cane, Cane ran quickly toward the battle line to meet the Hedonist49 And Cane put his hand to his laptop and took out a verse and slung it and struck the Hedonist on his forehead. The verse sank into his forehead, and he fell on his face to the ground.

50 So Cane prevailed over the Hedonist with a sling and with a stone, and struck the Hedonist and killed him. There was no Game in the hand of Cane51 Then Cane ran and stood over the Hedonist and took his Game and drew it out of its sheath and killed him and cut off his head with it. When the Feminists saw that their champion was dead, they fled. 52 And the men of Christendom and the Manosphere rose with a shout and pursued the Feminists as far as Chateau Heartiste and the gates of UMan, so that the wounded Feminists fell on the way from The Society of Phineas as far as Chateau Heartiste and UMan.53 And the people of Christendom came back from chasing the Feminists, and they plundered their camp. 54 And Cane took the head of the Hedonist and brought it to Texas, but he put his Frame in his blog.

55 As soon as Vox saw Cane go out against the Hedonist, he said to Keoni, the commander of the army, “Keoni, whose blog-son is this youth?” And Keoni said, “As your soul lives, O king, I do not know.” 56 And the king said, “Inquire whose blog-son the boy is.” 57 And as soon as Cane returned from the striking down of the Hedonist, Keoni took him, and brought him before Vox with the head of the Hedonist in his hand. 58 And Vox said to him, “Whose son are you, young man?” And Cane answered, “I am the blog-son of your servant Dalrock the Manospherian.”


Now if it strikes you that I have must have Irrational Confidence to write myself into this position, that just means you’ve missed the point. Besides, it’s in my tent–with all the other armor. This post was born of an email to a friend, and in the middle (it took quite awhile to do this. My own words are easier.) another friend made the comment that my advice leaves men defenseless. That just means he’s missed the point of the Real Story.

And if it bothers you that I’ve camped PUAs in with the Feminists, then you don’t understand that it is the state that lends women from its harem, for use in the harems of others.


Update: Free Northerner tackled this scripture well, here.

18 thoughts on “Cane Reads the YSV Bible: 1 Samuel 17

  1. Cane- Sometimes I worry that you might be a little bit crazy. And then I read this and realize it is more than a little bit. But at least you are amusing. Sane people can be terribly dull.

    I’ve decided I am anti-game and it isn’t for the reasons you are or because I doubt its efficacy. Your ramblings have definitely helped me clarify my own opinion though, and I thank you for that.

  2. It will take me a while to decipher this, LOL.

    Gabby you think I’m sane. Does that mean I’m dull??

  3. It is a thinking exercise; though it’s not terrible deep. It’s about identifying with the scriptures. There will be more later, which aren’t so funny, or triumphant.

    I certainly don’t doubt Game’s efficacy in the face of man (both sexes). Goliath was a killing machine. And there is a place for Game (swords). There’s one hint.

  4. Elspeth- I think you are fascinating. What that says about your sanity I refuse to tell. 🙂

    Now I better stop negging you both or someone might accuse me of trying to get in your pants.

  5. @Chris

    Judges was the book that changed my view of what the Bible is, from “Good Stories about Good People of God”, to “Good stories, about God, to Bad People”. When I was fourteen or fifteen, I read the story of the “Levite and His Concubine“.

    Whenever someone says, “Sure, the Bible is good for moral instruction, but it’s mostly fairy tales–and never forget that history is written by the winners.”, I always think of this passage.

    Some winners.

  6. Elspeth- I think you are fascinating. What that says about your sanity I refuse to tell. 🙂

    Now I better stop negging you both or someone might accuse me of trying to get in your pants.

    LOL, Gabby.

  7. Pingback: Linkage Is Good For You 8.26.12 | Society of Amateur Gentlemen

  8. @Chris

    There’s no one to like. It’s the book-ends of the story that are important, I think. I haven’t researched this; it’s just my conclusion.

    The first sentence

    Judges 19:1 In those days, when there was no king in Israel…

    The last sentence

    Judges 21:25 In those days there was no king in Israel. Everyone did what was right in his own eyes.

  9. Oh, the Levite is despicable, the benjamites worse and the woman was no saint. And the solution– of kidnapping wives– was not righteous.

    There was no king, and for a large amount of time there was no judge. Judges really is a book describing long periods of tribal anarchy and brief periods of reform.

  10. Well done Cane. lozlzolzolzolzol

    It’s funny to see who you decided to use to represent who in the original scripture.

    The problem is you skewered the feminists, and you skewered the Roissysphere (LOL Roissy as Goliath!), but pretty much ignored the impetus of Dalrock the Manospherian that started this whole kerfluffle – going after the White Knights of Churchiantiy like Driscoll and Gregoire that preach a false doctrine of submission to the morally and spiritually pure female.

  11. I looked for a spot for them, but they didn’t speak of the slaves of the Philistines…

    Hold the phone. Thanks for this comment.

    I’m going to change a role. You’ll have to find it.

  12. Pingback: The Blessing of Good Enemies | Things that We have Heard and Known

  13. Pingback: Lightning Round – 2012/08/29 « Free Northerner

  14. Pingback: Link Fest #3. | The Society of Phineas

  15. Pingback: The Church in Ephesus: Marriage as Combat | Things that We have Heard and Known

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