I saw several links coming from SunshineMary’s blog, and so I went to see what had been said about me. All good, it turns out.
While I was there, I read her latest post. It’s about her husband not replacing the broken dishwasher because she repeatedly used it to abuse the kitchen knives after he’d pointed it out to her several times. One of the comments drew the ire of everyone there, and it baffled the commenter. He thought he was saying the plain truth that everyone knows.
I’m probably missing some of the things that make this very important message possible (thank you SSM), but here is the backstory that makes this possible:
1) she has to know you truly do love her and are there to protect her, care for her, and have her best interest at heart. That regardless she is truly more important than yourself and you are willing to die daily and quite literally for her.
This is the prevailing wisdom all across the landscape of America; whether among Christians, or otherwise. Here’s why it’s nonsense.
-A person cannot literally know another person’s mind. This rules out the ability for her to know how he feels about her. She has to judge his actions; which are not a outgrowth of his feelings, but of his decisions.
-He’s talking about obedience to feelings; both to her own and to his. Aside from the impossibility of knowing his feelings (since she can’t truly know his mind), it should be obvious that obedience to feelings is ruinous.
-Love is not a thing felt, but a thing done. So, in addition to it being an impossible and ruinous act for her to know his true feelings, it’s also a total waste because whatever those feelings are, they aren’t love.
We were all raised to think exactly what Thankful Husband said above, and that is a massive roadblock to peace in marriage. It sets up a no-win situation for the man, and permanent dissatisfaction for the woman. She’ll keep wondering why this ideal–an ideal that is so ubiquitous that no one needs to explain it–is always just out of reach. She wonders why she just can’t quite get to that impossible and ruinous lie, and it’s driving her mad. Let me rephrase that into Manosphere language:
The Impossible and Ruinous Lie is The Hamster, and The Hamster is born of the English word love.
One of the serious oversights of the discussions of sexual relations in the Manosphere is that men are just as affected by The Hamster as women. It does get discussed, but I don’t think it’s ever been tied together the way I’m doing here. What Thankful Husband is trying to talk about when he says love in the quoted comment is actually compassion and sexual desire for one person, and at the same time. Resolve yourself to never use the word love except as an action done for the benefit of its object, and to instead choose a more specific term:
Etc. Then, pay attention as your thinking changes. Things that were confusing will be clear. Decision-paths that once seemed fraught with unseen peril can now be charted. Our language and culture have debased all these words by smelting them all together, and we have been debased by that process.
Mixed up in all of this is the justification process, which is what is normally referred with the idiom “Hamster”. What is justification? It’s making the undesirable desirable; whether it’s convincing yourself about a decision you’re really not sure of, or it’s engaging in a behavior that is counter-intuitive to normal behavior. When it’s bad it can be lies that you tell yourself. When it’s good it can be unimpeachable compassion and unwarranted affection. Because of the way the English word love has been counterfeited, the lies will seems just as plausible as the truth.
I am convinced that this counterfeiting of the term was not an accident, but a deliberate plot of Satan. It’s remarkable how well it tracks with the corruption of Eve and then Adam in Genesis. Compare: “Don’t you want to be like God?”, to, “Don’t you want love?”
But why? Corrupt the word love, corrupt the thinking about love. Corrupt the thinking about love, corrupt the act of love. Corrupt love, sex falls. Corrupt sex, marriage falls. Corrupt marriage…generations fall.
When you are in the habit of defining love only as an action done for the benefit of its object, and your feelings and impulses are given more clearly defined terms, dealing with a rebellious or hypergamous woman can be done from a position of understanding and options, instead of blindly groping for the loving thing to do.
-He can express compassion by ignoring her bad behavior when she deserves to be rebuked. She won’t see this as compassion on her own because she can only judge actions, remember? He’ll have to prove it to her by bringing this to her attention when she won’t stop running her mouth. Sow forbearance, tear up the weeds, and reap meekness. This will also grow sexual desire in both of them. First she’ll blaze, “You’ve got some balls to talk to me like that…” that will smolder into “…show me.” Hypergamy harnessed.
-He can express sexual desire by making a strong push towards the bedroom. This is tough for women on first blush, because everyone, everywhere, has been telling them that men are bad. They only want one thing (you know: S. E. X.) and that men are bad because they want the S-word. Women don’t unless they’re sluts, and even if you’re married if you give it up while you want something you might, kinda, maybe be whorish because in the end we’re all just consumers, right? The truth is that she wants a man to take her; to ravish her and rejoice in her body. They are married, and that makes him that man. It is also compassionate to sooth her aching needs.
-He can express benevolence by giving her what she wants. This is a very appealing option to women when they hear it. The man too, is inclined to do this as he gets to fulfill his role as provider. It’s also extraordinarily dangerous for either the man or wife who still believes the in Impossible and Ruinous Lie. In that case he will confirm in her that she can behave badly to get what she wants.
“Pssh! Oh, well, Cane: You just described Game.”
No it’s not, and here’s why.
All of this can only be understood if a man actually loves his wife; if he is resolved to put her needs before his regardless of her behavior. And a man can only sustain that love–that action–if he is himself sustained by God, who is love. A man doesn’t always want to ignore his wife’s behavior, and they usually don’t want to fight about it. He does these things for her sake (including fight), that she might genuinely benefit. This cannot be faked. We are spiritual beings, and the spirits will out.
If he instead approaches these from the spirit of self-serving–of narcissism and the rest of the Dark Triad traits–that will be discovered, either covertly or overtly. In the short term, it will probably get you laid. That’s not the Christian man’s goal; not even the married Christian man. His goal is to fulfill his scriptural responsibility to lead and love his wife. What’s more: You are the leader, and she is the follower. You will set the pattern. What does she learn from you, if you lead by self-righteousness and pride? How will she lead your children?
How will she not be led astray? If you are successful, she will worship you. If you are unsuccessful, then she will worship herself.
 Short refresher: Hypergamy is a good thing.