More plain sex speech ahead.
My last post should probably have been titled “Women Want Dick”, but as I weighed the merit of various titles I decided that the message “There are no Ugly Truths” was more important. Also, it might draw in those very people who would immediately be turned off by the word “dick”.
When I was a teenager, I had to have a couple surgeries near my dick (but not concerning it) and as I was talking about some trouble with stitches I kept mumbling the word “penis”. The doctor interrupted me and said, “I call it a dick. It’s okay if you do, too.” The word “penis” just sounds diminutive in my ears. Besides: This is how men talk at work. It’s how we talk to our friends around the campfire. It’s how we speak to our dads.
Women, largely, don’t talk this way. I’m fine with that. Discretion and talking around things is often good for women to do. It’s often good for men to do when speaking to women, or near them. Though, more and more I think the straight talk is what is needed. Most of that doesn’t have much to do with sex, or dicks though.
I am not fine with Christian men not speaking plainly. “Bad words” is code for “how men talk”. We’ll know when men have started taking back their churches when they say “dick” to their fellow church men; appropriate circumstances provided. If any of those sort of men read my post yesterday, the safe assumption is that they said to themselves something along the lines of, “Why does he use vulgar terms?” Worse: “This is nothing new. Of course women like sex.”
That’s not what I said. That’s what the culture says. Whenever others do, you should immediately start looking for the underlying message, because they’re trying to reframe the perspective. The most common reframe is towards the idea that women want to be pleasured, just like men do. That’s a a lie, and it’s designed to keep both men and women from liking sex with their spouses. It’s effect is to normalize all sexual behavior as equal; including and especially deviant sexual behavior. The focus on seeking out pleasure rather than accepting it does to sex what the focus of seeking happiness did to marriage: Made it a gay thing.
We can we deduce this is a lie by going back to our principles that different things cannot be equal, and that since men and women’s sex drives and tastes are different, then women are not pleasured the way men; they’re not even primarily interested in their own pleasure.
Yesterday I wrote:
[F]rom the consummation of sex all sorts of things can grow: love, children, civilizations, pleasure…the things that make human life worth living.
How important is a woman’s sexual pleasure to those things? Almost none.
Try contemplating sex without an erection, and then consider that a man has almost no volition over whether he gets an erection or not. What control he does have is probably a mnemonic trick women would not find sexy at all: Thinking about another time or woman. There’s also pills, and mechanical devices; none of which are sexy, and certainly not as sexy as throbbing boner conjured by the touch and smell and sounds of an attractive flesh and blood woman in front of him. The woman’s reaction to sexual desire is secretion that facilitates the man’s entry into the woman. It’s inconspicuous, where the man’s erection is unavoidable. Without that secretion, then sex becomes a painful experience for both, but it’s a secondary concern. Without an erection there just is no sex, period.
A woman’s orgasm is of no importance to conception, but the man’s is invaluable.
A man can rape a woman and receive pleasure, and cause conception, but try to consider how a woman can rape a man with normal sex. It’s almost impossible. Remember: She has to incite a hard-on. If she does: How bad could it have been; except upon reflection? Yes, she might have been an embarrassment if his friends knew he’d slept with a fat girl…later. No, it’s not good for teachers to seduce high school boys, but we have to drum up our sense of indignation for that; you know–really think about it why it’s bad. Why? Because ultimately we know that for sex have to occurred at all, he had to be giving it to her.
Women who describe themselves as “in love” (another topic for another day) hardly care about their own specific stimuli. They generate this “in love” feeling almost totally by pleasing the man, and his response to it. It is from his excitement that the woman gains. Consider that many women admit to routinely faking pleasure. Why? One: Because she can, and it doesn’t matter. Conversely: There’s no faking a boner. Two, because somewhere in her mind is the idea that what’s important is that the man is pleased; even if that means she has to construct moans and writhing because she is aware that he puts emphasis on his ability to please her.
Does a woman want to be sexually pleasured? Absolutely, and a man wants to be that source of pleasure. It seems counter-intuitive, until you lay it out. (rimshot) If such a man just realized that what is most important is giving her dick; they’d both be more pleased. The more he seeks solely or specifically her pleasure, the more likely that both will be dissatisfied. Saying “women like sex” explains very little about what it is about sex that women like–which is dick. They perceive emotional bonding by the amount and frequency that a man wants to provide it. Church-folk don’t say these things for the reasons I enumerated in yesterday’s post. What a shame.
What can we deduce from all this? Men are the gatekeepers to commitment AND sex. Sex originates from the man. Men have so much sex-iness, that we get regularly get erections for women who aren’t even concerned with us; who aren’t doing anything particularly sexy; who are not around. They don’t even have to be real. We can circumvent natural procreation simply by masturbating into a cup; the contents of which can be scooped directly into a vagina, and “VOILA!”: A baby. Fifteen minutes later we can do it again. Women have to go through a difficult and invasive procedure to harvest their eggs. Men have so much sexiness that we can afford to literally give it away and feel no loss.
Pick-up artists know this. They talk about women being the gatekeepers of sex, but their actual prescriptions are to assume that women want what men have. Their assumptions are right. So they should stop saying women are the gatekeepers. That they do has always baffled me, and it causes a lot of other assumptions to just be wrong.
Said another way: Men sexualize everything about women. This is said often, but exclusively in a derogatory way. The beautiful truth is that women literally cannot be sexy without men to declare them sexy by our very thoughts and impulses. Eve wasn’t sexy until Adam popped wood at her debut. Eve liked being sexy–as all women do–and it was the dick that declared it so. Any woman who declares herself sexy is prematurely judging herself. It’s phony. It’s narcissism if she believes it. The woman who wants to know if she is truly sexy has to consult the cock.
You can say this to your wife, too, but you may want to slightly change the tenor because women are skittish, and like guessing games, but do not remove the physicality of the act from your speech: “You want what I got, don’t you?”* Sure, she might laugh. I laugh saying it. That doesn’t make it untrue, and laughing is a pretty good way to fall into bed. If she bristles, that’s good, too. Pretty much any arousal or challenge on her part works in the man’s favor–and therefore hers.
The exception to this is outright contempt, or ridicule. That is unacceptable, and should be returned with disdain, followed closely by shunning. Not for her directly, but for the attitude. “What an ugly thing to come out of your pretty mouth.” Withdraw your attentions and provision immediately. A woman who rejects her husband is sick, and you must starve that evil out. When she screams: “Will you just tell me what you want for dinner?” your reply is: “We have to finish the other conversation first: Tell me that you want me in you.”
You’re not looking for an apology, but repentance, and fealty. It doesn’t even matter if she means it. The internal betrayal a rebellious woman feels uttering those words will blow a hole clean through the ranks of that rebellion, and what she thinks she wants. That’s a good thing, and you can occupy that cleared space.
One caveat to the withdrawal of affections and provisions: Do not leave. Ever. First of all, it’s legally troublesome. More importantly: The doghouse is for the offender; not the offended. If you leave you will communicate that you’ve done something wrong, or shameful.
If you approach the problem of having sex with your wife from the point of view that you have to extract sex from behind her gates, then you’ve already lost. There is no latent boner hidden in her, so stop trying to get it up. You have the sex, and she has to come to you to get it. You will lead. She will follow.
*“…what I got hanging…”, if you’re slightly bolder.