Two more emails have I received after my last legitimate post and the comments it garnered. The second email (of the three total) didn’t reveal much except to say that the plaintive wife claims to have been twice sexually abused previous to her marriage. I responded that I am suspicious of the claims. While sexual misconduct absolutely fits in the puzzle of the wife, it is impossible to judge the actions from this distance of time and space.
But let me be frank: I do not believe it, and it doesn’t matter if it is true. The facts surrounding the sexual misconduct are largely irrelevant but for one reason: It is a powerful weapon to wield against investigation by family and friends; a sonic beam which knocks down all incoming questions, and scrambles all signals. It is statistically much more likely that sexual misconduct on her part interferes with her desire for her husband than abuse she suffered, and that she is now lying about the part she played.
The third email, however, is worth dissecting, and will sound very familiar to a lot of men. You’ll see shortly why I have waited so long to post. This’ll take forever. It is a list excerpted from an email from the wife to her husband; which she forwarded to the woman who emailed it to me.
Let me bring back to bear a couple points. In the first email the husband was characterized as a binge-drinking escapist, and a domineering-yet-disorganized provider who griped about petty costs while ignoring a budget. Yes, the numbers are in the original email sent to the husband.
1. I fear your blame for any bills. I believe you will blame me for any bill that is high.
With good reason. We’ll see shortly confession after confession of money leaking like a sieve from this family.
2. In September I asked you for some of my settlement money. This was to be sure there was enough to cover both the __________ check for the _________ ad and also your credit card. I firmly believed you would blame me and then curse me. I fear and hate the cursing, swearing and raised voice. The emailer wrote that: “Settlement money refers to an insurance settlement she received from a car accident. He wouldn’t give her any, but she did not tell him what it was for ’cause she was afraid.”
My interpretation is that she didn’t want to be accountable for what she decided to do with the money; some here, some there. That is: She didn’t want to be held to spending it only on the claimed items, and nothing else. This provides her the ability to blame him (in this list, or in another future argument) for “thwarting her noble actions”. All the better to paint his as a petty tyrant. It is an example of grossly unfair fighting. In response, he has figured out he can yell and curse to get her to shut up; which is what he has decided to settle for.
3. I believe that you see me as worthless because I do not earn money…or don’t earn very much money.
Probably projection mixed with some poorly-executed criticism from the husband. Women’s expectations have become so over-inflated that they have a hard time realizing that housework and homeschooling are honest and rewarding hard work for women. All signals are that she stinks at it, and mostly quits when (surprise, surprise!) her kids give her the same poor attitude and begrudging service she gives her husband. I’d bet dollars against doughnuts on that. Then he comes home and sighs or yells “What have you been doing all day? What is so hard? etc.” He’s saying that because he doesn’t want to do what he needs to do; which is step up the micro-managment. Men hate it, but this woman needs it. He ought to be performing surprise inspections in the middle of the day, or use his vacation days to spring a surprise day home with the family while he watched how they operate and correct them. Women are to be honored as the weaker vessel. Often that means recognizing that jobs husbands find simple are surprisingly difficult for wives. Sometimes you gotta lead the donkey along the way, and sometimes you gotta pull the donkey around.
4. I tend to eat when I’m stressed out. Milkshakes, sweet food, fatty foods, etc. are the things I end up craving when I feel hopeless, helpless, depressed and lonely. I long for companionship, but the next best thing is food. That, in turn, ends up being another expense.
She wastes a lot of money on foods that make her fat and lazy. Everything else is an excuse meant to make her husband feel responsible for her choice to do things that make her fat and lazy, and the family poor and indebted. See how she equates pleasure with genuinely satisfying things like hope and companionship? That’s because her whole concept of good revolves around pleasure.
5. I am full of self-hatred. I hate the way I feel, I hate the way I look. I have finally learned to believe that I am a fucking bitch, a hateful witch and a Satanic whore. It worked.
Self-esteem cannot be fooled, but it can be lied about. She does things that reflect poorly on herself, and then (essentially) blames her husband for not changing himself to make her poor decisions bear fruit, and for not sufficiently hiding his displeasure at her selfish and immature choices. She’s only three-quarters wrong here, though. This man’s wife is spiritually sick, and he can exert some serious influence over her. Again, calm and cheerful micro-management (AKA: walking with her) will have some good effect.
6. I feel worthless because I can’t cook the way you want me to. No matter what my day has been like, I’m worthless to you, and I’m becoming worthless to my children. So I buy M&Ms and a milkshake and eat them. I don’t need a lecture on how I can cook better. I don’t have time for this anymore. I’m bushed, beat and zoned. I need you to accept what I can give and love me. I need a warm, kind look and a real hug. I need a loving backrub, not the slap-slap-slap on the back like you’re whapping a dog. I’ve got kids to teach. Sometimes it takes all day.
What do I mean by calm and cheerful micro-management?
“You’re exhausted, but you aren’t getting things done are you? You’re spinning your wheels, and no one is happy. We’re going to start by getting the kids into bed earlier. Then we’re going to get into bed earlier. (Be prepared to physically take electronics out of her hands, as one would a disobedient child.) Tomorrow, we’ll go through your day together and see where we can make improvements.” What he’ll find is that they start on, say, spelling, but the kids drag their feet until the wife begins to give up and ignore them. (It doesn’t take long.) That’s when he says, “Why are you letting this drag on, woman? Children, why are you being disobedient to my wife? Do you need me to inspire you?” The idea here is to be positive, and positively on her ass about her responsibilities. Wives HATE this in the moment, but a husband cannot be deterred by a wife’s immaturity and carnality.
7. I buy wine coolers to self-medicate when I am desperately longing for love and affection. I believe if I come and ask, you’ll roll your eyes and slap me on the back like I’m a dog, or you’ll give me a quick side hug – or you’ll give me nothing and just ignore me. So I go buy sweets and wine coolers (they taste better than regular wine). Or I take myself out to lunch or dinner. Then I feel better. With the wine coolers, I feel numb and happy. Then I don’t bug you and don’t incite your anger.
The alcohol problem in the family is really her problem, but she projects it on her husband. She is drinking on a regular basis, and now we also know that she is regularly spending the family treasures eating out; which can be incredibly expensive even at lower-middleclass eateries. “I take myself out to lunch or dinner.” Haha! How selfish and foolish is that? She phrases it as if she’s being kind…to herself! The farmer needs to get this cow out of the wheat field before she eats them out of house and home.
8. I get therapy when a holiday comes around because I am afraid of what happened in the past. I know nothing but fear when it comes to a holiday. I’ve been horribly punished for not doing a good enough job for Christmas Eve dinner, and for the leg of lamb being done before the vegetables at Easter dinner. I’ll plunk $100 down to a therapist rather than go through a holiday without support and a backup plan in case you decide to punish me for something.
She gets therapy because it makes her feel special; which triggers her pleasure centers. This is more money burnt up for her pleasure.
9. I don’t want to end up in the State Hospital. I remember when we would go to the punishment Mass (that was when the FSSP was at _________ in the afternoon) when I was in trouble for not getting everybody ready fast enough in the mornings. Our route drove right by the State Hospital. I was sure one day I’d end up in there and wouldn’t be able to get out. My whole life would be up in smoke.
This guy really needs to get more involved in his wife’s business. It is sometimes as necessary and silly as following her around while she follows the kids around. I also recommend A LOT of slapping her on the ass.
Make no mistake: Unless she’s been hospitalized against her will before, she’s now straight-up fantasizing about resisting her husband as he tries to have her committed to an insane asylum.
10. I’ll never end up at the State Hospital, nor am I going to end up terrorized every holiday. I deserve better. I also deserve to be able to talk to my husband like a human being about making our budget, not crushed like a worm. I have the right to have my wants and needs considered and given some credibility.
The saga continues. Not only will our heroine fight against The Men in White Jackets, but she has some wants and needs that are going to be addressed, or else the family funds get it! The idea that she has been actually restrained from anything is ludicrous. She chooses when and where she eats out; against his wishes. She buys herself junk food and alcohol; against his wishes. She procures and pays for “therapy”; against his wishes. Has this woman ever heard a hard “No” in her entire marriage?
11. Our kids are good kids. They are awesome kids. They are not bad and they are not behind. I am a decent human being and I have talents. I have something worthwhile to pass on to them.
Pure posturing. A shameless attempt to steal her children’s beauty for herself. A previous email stated that there were some issues getting one of their children to read before age eight; with no explanation for the trouble. Bearing in mind that she is their teacher, she has some responsibility for that. She doesn’t like that.
12. I can’t help it if I talk indirectly. I need to know I’m safe. If I’m not safe, I tend to test the waters until I know I am. I am not a man. Please don’t try to turn me into one.
Translation: I will say whatever I want to get whatever I can, and any effort to elicit the truth is foolish, you stupid man.
13. MY SAFETY AND MY CHILDREN’S SAFETY IS MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. If I perceive myself to be unsafe and unloved, I will flee until I believe the environment is going to be safe for me. Safety means no yelling, no anger, and no terror or intimidation. I’ve been unsafe long enough.
More posturing and more stealing of her children’s glory. When first recognized, the shamelessness of piggybacking on one’s children is breathtaking. It’s like watching her eat them.
Anyways, this “safety” talk is coded warning of a coming separation; a testing of the divorce waters. “Unsafe and unloved” really should be heard as “unsafe OR unloved”. She already feels unloved, but he won’t make the mistake of actually being unsafe. In other words: Since he refuses to actually abuse her, she’s making dislike interchangeable with abuse. Later, she’ll just start calling it emotional abuse, and that will satisfy her sense of indignation. Indignation at what? At the fact that he dared to under-appreciate her choice to put herself before her kids and especially her husband.
14. I deserve to look beautiful and to be beloved by the people I’m close to. If I can look beautiful, it makes it easier to be beautiful inside. I can be more beautiful inside if people verbally affirm this. I used to spend a lot of time trying to tell my students how much potential they had, how they were so wonderful inside. I was able to do this with Boy and Girl for a little while, until I no longer had that ability. I had been depleted and had no more left to give.
Nobody deserves these things. She told others lies, and and now she won’t recognize the truth. That’s how it works. Boy and Girl are their children. Notice how she admits she can’t be bothered with their kids. I thought she had lots to give the kids, and that she gave them their best during the reading crisis? Everything is just lies, lies, lies all the time. This woman has no interest in the truth whatsoever.
15. I can’t give anymore because I have nothing left to give away. I don’t have the qualities anymore. The qualities have been replaced by fear, loathing and depression.
The lie here is that she omits that she purposefully replaced them; that she chose to bring in fear, loathing, and depression because she was bored, and desperately afraid that she, herself, is boring and petty. Which it sounds like she is. Why? Because SHE thinks mothers are boring and petty. Teaching children in a school was real work to her, but she finds raising her own children lame. Her husband must confront that as he’s micro-managing her. He won’t be able to encourage her out of it either; at least not in the beginning. He’s going to have to get her to admit that she believes being a mother is lame; that she resents it. Only then will the poison come out.
16. I don’t need new appliances. I don’t need anything that costs money. I just need your love, your warmth, your affection and your understanding. You’ll have given me the moon and the stars if you would be willing to give them. If you’re not willing to give them, that’s OK because you should make that choice yourself. But if you don’t give them, then I need the money for more therapy, because I owe it to myself and to my kids to be able to pull myself out of the mud pit and become whole again.
New appliances mean more matronly work; which she hates. She’s right that she needs love, but she will not like it. What she is trying to express is that she wants him to like indulging her rampant waste, fatness, laziness, and general disregard for anyone except herself.
All I know to do is self-medicate, curl up in fear and stay far away from you. What is it you want me to do?
Having said all I have, this last question is key…key to the whole thing. The husband really needs to answer this honestly. For all her lies and ugly selfishness, she is still a woman, still his wife, and still wants to be pleasing to him. She wants his instruction even if she hates it, she cannot deny that she wants it.
She’s ramping up the drama for the sake of ramping up the drama. Watch out, husband, and if you love your family: Tell her what you want her to do; piece by piece, and moment by moment.