Wiser Than I’d Like to Be

Tacomaster‘s and Jeff’s comments reminded me of something that I’d forgotten which I had previously remembered.

Over a decade after the comment she would bring it up. I remembered saying it. I remembered how I felt at the time. I remember thinking she would forget; she would blow it off and it would have no impact. I was wrong about that. She tried to blow it off, but when she recalled it to me there was no denying that she had remembered. We were young; twenty-one, maybe twenty-two. That would have been our fourth or fifth year of marriage.

“Do you remember,” she said, “when you said this day would come?”

“What day?” I have said a lot of days would come. Some less sagaciously than others.

“We were in the apartment at Green Glen, and one night, after we’d–you know–argued about stuff. You said that right now you were in your prime and I was wasting it, and that there would come a time when you were not in your prime, but I would be in my thirties and dying for it. Then I’d see how you felt.”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“You were right.” She got quieter. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.” 

[Updated to fuller conversation just after initial posting]

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11 thoughts on “Wiser Than I’d Like to Be

  1. From a woman’s perspective, though, on which C.C. was speaking, the relationship is the sex. What C.C. was really getting at was the way in which the wife was spending her energy making arguments with him when she could be spending her energy in a more constructive and outward manner, because the relationship was already interesting and positive enough not needing such extra effort such as arguing would be. While relationships among older couples are fine, the intensity is somewhat less and as the older married, even the difference between 20s and 30s, spend less time in their own distinct men’s social circles and woman’s social circles, they’ll naturally look more to each other for a more calm or mature type of companionship. I think a relationship with a strong man, naturally correlating with his relative youngness, is a very good thing for the wife who ideally uses that positive feedback she’s getting for good works, even and perhaps most ideally, chastely applying herself in the Christian community itself.

    When people get older they don’t have the drive nor ambition and often appear to be settling in and certainly being more stationary… I think young wives could be, especially in an urban environment, promoting godly living among other Christian women even if its by steadfastly and modestly turning up their noses at gossip coming by them and giving firm reprimands to any who would question their disinterest in that tacky sort of communication. Homeschooling and housework are more than enough tasks to keep a excellence-pursuing woman busy, and not engaging with her husband in arguments.

    I’d think that a more rural woman would be better using her efforts by having barrels full of children. But neither should really be fighting with the husband in the first place.

  2. I remember telling my wife the same thing. I just wrote in BGRs site on his last article. My wife has damaged my view of women so badly I wouldnt be stupid enough to remarry.

    When you ask a wife where she wants to go for dinner she doesnt know, bt she knows that she doesnt want what you give as an option… Even multiple options. That is what women do. They can only tell you that they dont want what is given in peace right in front of them. They cant tell you what they want though. This added to the fact that you are what they have, they choose to not want you even though they chose you at some point.

    The uncontentness in a womans heart will bring a man to his knees.

    At my age I dont wish i could go back and have more sex with her. I wish I could go back and leave her while she “abandoned” our marriage while in it. She will not deny me of sex any more, but the urgency and libido i once had is gone….. Forever.

  3. “This added to the fact that you are what they have, they choose to not want you even though they chose you at some point.”

    Since they’re all about feelings, they assume that they don’t choose to not want you – that it’s something they can’t help. They certainly bring up the fact that the man proposes to the woman – nevertheless, they had to choose in order to say yes.

    They would say they “can’t” want you but in reality they “won’t” – it’s will not ability – they have command of their wills even if they won’t recognize it.

    This does not apply to all women.

  4. @Jeff

    At my age I dont wish i could go back and have more sex with her […], but the urgency and libido i once had is gone….. Forever.

    Urgency; that’s the word.

    @Bruce

    They would say they “can’t” want you but in reality they “won’t” – it’s will not ability – they have command of their wills even if they won’t recognize it.

    I have found it to be a truism that a woman will recall that she has always thought whatever it is that she thinks now.

    @AnonJohn

    Aren’t you worried that she can get it elsewhere? I worry about that with my wife.

    No, not really. It crosses my mind from time to time, but I don’t worry about it. If I did worry about it, I can tell you that I would investigate whether I was intuiting something real, or just worrying.

    One of the most effective deceptions that stumble men is the idea that an adulterous wife is his fault; that her choice to do evil means he is an unworthy man. It’s bullshit. It doesn’t feel like it’s bullshit, and a man in that situation will be unjustly ridiculed (at least behind his back) but it really is bullshit. I know that is easier said than accepted, but it is the truth and once you recognized that, then my whole perspective changed. Such a wife has, functionally, shat herself for pleasure.

    I should say that–as afar as I am aware–I have never been put to the test on this. If I was, I would not hide it from anyone. Our family, friends, fellow congregants, and anyone who might be affected by her would be made aware that she is sick and filthy and needs to be cleansed.

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