I want to examine a few sentiments that are often expressed by professing Christians in the Men’s Sphere; many of them in the comments of my last post.
1) “I can read Game blogs, and practice Game while retaining my Christianity and continuing to be sanctified because I can separate and ignore the bad stuff like fornication when I see it, and that part I simply don’t buy or perform.” (For this portion we’ll focus on the easy things. I won’t even discuss that Game is often an exercise in pride, effeminism, etc.)
The second is like it.
2) “I cannot go to church and serve because while that would in some ways benefit my spiritual growth and be helpful to others, I can’t separate their pedestalization of females from the decent things that I could otherwise do there.”
If you believe this of your own situation, or that these statement are compatible, then you’re admitting you actually have a very faulty filter, and so are not in a position to make a call about either.
3) “Not everything I need to know is in the Bible. It doesn’t tell me how to fix a carburetor, or how to paint.”
That knowledge is not needed to live a good life. If you think it is, then you don’t know what the word need means.
4) “Since my goal is to find a good Christian wife, I have to learn how to find and attract one. Since Game writers are the only ones giving advice on how to get a girl, I have to go to them. The Bible doesn’t teach the technique/system. If they are: Prove it.”
Sometimes I have to really power through these comments and requests, but this one’s easy, and I’ve written about it before. Here’s the Bible on: How to Get a Good Christian Wife:
House and riches are the inheritance of fathers:
and a prudent wife is from the Lord.
Good news: Your search is over. Bad news: You need patience, and you need to stop telling yourself you need a wife because you don’t. Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3 show how a husband can be part of this process, because a wedding is the beginning of a marriage (the beginning of a wife) not the end. (I was glad to see that Vox is now rhyming with me on this point.) The desire for a wife and sex is real and reasonable, but it is not like the desire for food. It is like the desire for wealth or knowledge; wholesome, but unnecessary.
5) “The Bible doesn’t tell you about how to deal with women; how women really are. It doesn’t tell you about shit-tests.”
Let’s back up one whole verse:
A foolish son is the calamity of his father:
and the contentions of a wife are a continual dropping.
Contentions; as in she contends often, and often for no good reason. Several times in the book of Proverbs alone are we warned about contentious wives. We’re warned about contentious men, too, but the warning count on contentious wives outstrips them. The Latin root of the English word here is “tenere”; which means a shell, pot, or hard covering. The root of “test” is “testa” also a pot, brick, nut or other hard encasement. The word picture is a wife who will not open to her husband; who greets his presence with a defensive posture…a shit-test. It’s worth noting that the encouragements and warnings given in Proverbs are respectively for and against moments and choices that everyone will face.
How do you respond to this contesting? The same way you do anyone else:
25 Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another. 26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 27 neither give place to the devil.
Love them; as in do them good. We are instructed to love our wives, love our neighbors, and love our enemies. Sometimes wives are all three. It’s no sin to remain steadfast in your actions (love) while telling them that their contentions are bitter and wicked attempts to drive you away. Catch that? You be the rock, and you tell her the truth. What you don’t do is just take it and tell yourself you’re stoic.
6) “Watching porn and playing video games has nothing to do with attracting women. It’s a distraction from the real problem that girls don’t like good Beta men like me.”
You need to wake up. If you’re a nerd, that sentiment does not apply to you. No man gains points with a woman by the revelation (by design or otherwise) of watching porn, and if you’re not cool you will lose a lot of status. Video games–particularly RPGs, shooters, and other non-sport and non-casual video games–are nerd signals. If you’re cool: You will not be docked for it. If you’re a nerd, or display introverted nerd-like tendencies: You will be. Fairness and reason have nothing to do with it. It’s about the aesthetics and the correlations.
The same is true for trading card games, role-playing games, comics, anime, science fiction, and other frivolities of the introverted. If you have fantasy artwork for an avatar and you complain to me that girls don’t like you, the reasonable assumption is that you’re either displaying way too much nerdiness, or that you’re not selecting nerdy enough girls. There are nerdy women out there who like those sorts of things, and you can keep your hobbies and get one of them. They are often fat, unhygienic, shy, or otherwise aesthetically hobbled, but if you would make a good husband, perhaps she would make a good wife.
Limit yourself to a maximum of two of those nerdy hobbies, and over the course of a week spend less than one hour a day on them. So if you spend seven hours playing Call of Duty on a Saturday: No video games or other nerd hobbies for the rest of the week. Then put the rest of that time into more productive and attractive activities. Nobody gets docked by sane people for lifting weights, reading the Bible, taking walks, Sudoku, writing, cooking, painting, woodworking, or any number of other things. Here’s a generalization on how to know if a hobby is nerdy. If, at the end of the hobby’s endeavor, you don’t have a new product, life experience, or life skill: It’s probably nerdy. Collecting or buying baubles does not count as production.
One of the ways a lot of pastors go wrong is that they tell men that if God hasn’t given them a wife that means they don’t deserve one yet. We can’t know that, and I think that is exactly the sort of disrespectful nonsense that drives our bust-to-bust Economy of Respect and miserliness. All we can know is that God hasn’t given them one, and that therefore he does not need one.