Over at Alpha Game Plan, JG asks advice concerning fidelity to an asexual wife:
A dozen years ago I started dating a girl from where I worked at the time, who left her 1st boyfriend to ‘trade up’ to me.
Most likely, he is a pussy-beggar. He accepts a woman who moves directly from man to man.
She is 7 years younger than me, was 20 at the time. We hit it off very well and became very close, but I noticed one odd problem: there was no sex or sexuality. That baffled me, as I was unaccustomed to ‘dry spells’, but I thought perhaps she just needed time, which I allowed. After 6 months things started happening, but only just barely…as in, once a month or so, no foreplay allowed, and she would get noticeably restless after a few minutes.
They practiced premarital sex, yet he sees no problem. This is sowing sexual dysfunction; no matter that it “works out” for your friends, your parents, or your grandparents. Take a look at the West. It did not work out. See what we reap.
Despite this, I felt close enough to her that I eventually proposed, and we got married. (I know, sounds delta or gamma or something but that’s where I was then).
The salt loses its saltiness before it has a chanced to be used to flavor the meal of marriage, and yet he proposes. Even the sons of this world have more shrewdness.
After a while, even the minimal sex stopped altogether. She flinches if I touch her near a sexual area, it is clearly unwanted. No amount of flowers or jewelry or other traditionally romantic gestures has ever deactivated her force field.
Of course not. Women don’t want to have sex with either flowers or jewelry.
After ruling out theories like closet lesbianism, an inexplicable nosedive of Game, previous sexual abuse, that I might unwittingly be an odorous troll, etc,
On what grounds does he rule this out? This is one of the worst re-tellings of Game I’ve ever heard.
I eventually realized she may well be one of the statistical minority of people who are genuinely asexual, which pretty much killed my sexual desire for her since she has none to reciprocate with; I just have no physical interest in any woman who has none in me, or with whom I have no strong bond. So, I no longer pressure her with notification of frustration over my unmet needs.
In this, I can sympathize with him, but the fact is this is the bed he has made. She’s not asexual–they were having sex–she’s just not interested in having sex with him anymore.
Of importance is the fact that at some point I evolved from agnosticism to a strong interest in following God, whereas she remains unconvinced and uninterested, even though she is aware of the abundance of supporting evidence that might otherwise cause the intellectually honest to reconsider their previous skepticism. However, this has never been a source of friction between us, we’re both pretty laid back. So I feel compelled to honor my commitment to her despite her absence of sexuality. And despite being otherwise somewhat misanthropic, she in turn leans heavily on me, having formed some deep bond that doesn’t include any intimacy beyond holding hands. Not even kissing. (both non-smokers, good oral hygiene, so not an olfactory problem) So, I had no idea what spiritually acceptable recourse I may have.
Recourse; as in a legal action. In his mind she is his enemy. She may be his enemy in her mind, too, but that’s her problem. I am reminded: “Teacher, is it lawful for a man to put away his wife?”
Although I’d be interested in your commentary on that, here’s where it gets more complicated: In your opinion, is it technically possible to cheat on a person with whom you have no sexual relationship?
Again with the legality. He wants to remain outside the spirit of the matter of loving his wife.
The reason I ask is, I met a woman at church and we were drawn to one another and have been in regular contact. She and I are strongly attracted to each other, and none other, but she periodically reminds me that if my faith in God is not a top priority like hers, then she will have to sever our relationship. Her faith is strong, and at times I have given her some very reassuring input when she has questions, or when her atheist friends attack her beliefs. In turn, she tries to keep me on track, spiritually. She is aware of my unusual marital situation, and proposed a solution I didn’t expect: sharing me with my wife, but with exclusive sexual rights. (she has a very…vigorous drive)
Here he gives away the game. He’s already engaged in lust with another woman. He’s having an affair. We are Christians. We don’t have to refer to emotional affairs as our Lord has said all affairs are matters of the heart. I am curious to know how much time existed between her last boyfriend, and when he and this “church-woman” began “regular contact”.
I would much prefer to have everything straightforward and out in the open with nothing to hide, and I can’t help thinking that since my wife has permanently said ‘no’ to me sexually, then she has essentially forfeited the right to say ‘no’ to this, but then again, I’m sure she will somehow not see it that way, so I have been procrastinating having “the talk” with her because historically, she has a meltdown if she feels our stability is threatened. However, the other woman is becoming increasingly anxious about it, and wishes I would proceed with all due haste.
He offers commitment and luxuries to a woman who has no interest in his dick, but did play with it beforehand so as to entrap him. He’s a buffoon; confounded by his own stupidity, and twirled around by every halfway decent woman that looks at him twice. He’s very nearly a clone of me with the exceptions that:
- I would not have offered marriage to a woman who spurned my advances for any but religious reasons
- I wouldn’t ask permission to do what I knew was wrong.
The second difference is what I find most despicable. He’s gotten himself in a bad spot, but to use sympathy to lead others into sin (by seeking their approval to have an affair) is craven.
Vox is smart, but often foolish; as he is here. He responds that JG is essentially pursuing a polygynous relationship with another woman, and that the Bible seems to condone polygyny. This is false.
- Christian marriage is a particular covenant with particular qualifications. It is between a man and a woman. It is a sacrament with duties bound to God as well as each other. The woman’s legitimate authority should be transferring her headship from itself to her husband. Finally, society has a role in recognizing and upholding boundaries of marriage. Even if JG, his wife, and Church Woman all agree to marriage–and even if we are to resign God to the role of Uninvolved Rule-Giver in the Sky (as seems to be JG’s and VD’s wish)–it is profoundly unlikely that their church will agree; that her father will agree; or that the government powers will agree. This will have to be kept in the dark. Not because it is private, but because they know it is sin.
- Polygyny was not so from the beginning. The same answer Jesus gives for when it is acceptable to put away your wife is the same answer for when it is acceptable to marry multiple women. “From the beginning it was not so, but for the hardness of your hearts…” What is important–and that the disciples understood and made them tremble–is that we are to pursue what was so from the beginning: one man, one woman for life; else it is better to be a eunuch and never touch a woman.
- “All things are lawful for me, but not all things are good for me.” The law has been fulfilled. There is no reason to seek to appease the law because Christ has met and overflowed every prescription and proscription of the law. We are to be about the business of doing what is good; not what we are allowed. Is it good to keep faith with your wife; to show her steadfast love and mercy whether she deserve it or not? Yes, always. There is the end of the matter.
There are consequences for accepting Game as a set of tools. The tools you use will define your philosophy, and your philosophy will direct your thinking. You cannot serve two masters.