Future Time Orientated or Daddy’s Girl?

The marriage/divorce stats show a (morally) positive correlation between a woman’s achievement of a bachelor’s degree, and a continuance of marriage. Because of this, the idea has been put forward that this correlation centers on a (supposed) “future-time orientation”; i.e. the ability to delay gratification. Do we know how soon after graduation the women (who do not divorce) marry? I’m wondering how future oriented they are. Isn’t is possible that the ones who follow this pattern have made a decision to marry as soon as social pressures allow?

It seems to me that a college degree is the feminist merit badge among them all. It certainly is the prevailing notion for modernists, generally. Isn’t there the possibility that the women who are the most maritally stable are those women who both submit to the narrative of their leaders and media, and who also are really focused on (that is: strongly desire) marriage so to love a man? Is it possible that, given another set of priorities–or even just the removal of the bachelors degree notion–that those same women might do just as well marrying younger than 22 simply because that’s the demographic that wants to be married, and is also willing to listen to their authorities; that they wanted to marry earlier, and they only put it off as long as they needed to be respectful members of society as they were instructed?[1]

Maybe it doesn’t have to do so much with future time orientation as it does their respect for authority. Maybe daddy’s girls are a good thing, but not all daddies have the proper priorities. Of course, I don’t mean to say that all girls love and respect their fathers (or even that among those, they always do), but today we are talking about those girls that do.

EDIT: Let me ask it a different way: If there is a correlation between Daddy’s Girls and the continuance of marriage, and if there is a correlation between future-time orientation (impulse control, responsibility, etc.) and the continuance of marriage; then is it more likely that love for dad would arise from FTO, or is it more likely that FTO arises from love for dad?

[1] Not to say that such women do not also have desire to better themselves, or not to say that they aren’t also tempted to pride.

Three Peaces of Command

Yesterday I wrote:

[B]ecause I was too chickenshit to appear sexist or hypocritical about work,–I had been passively hoping that she would pick “stay home, cook, and clean”, and therefore angry that–in the absence (and complete abdication) of my direction–she had chosen neither and both…just as I had demonstrated.

The question, then, is why was I chickenshit? What was it of which I was afraid? Well, one can chase that squirrel for a long time, but it always comes back to the fact that I chose to believe my modern instructors

  • parents
  • teachers
  • pastors
  • peers
  • TV shows
  • pop music
  • movies
  • newspapers
  • magazines
  • billboards

were right, and that the clear text of the Bible was wrong; that Paul and Peter’s instruction–and Mary and Sarah’s examples–were wrong. I believed that what God had called righteous, I should call foolish. Even though the anger and confusion–within me!–witnessed that I was convicted this crap ain’t right, I still felt like I had to make up my own mind about it. Even though I wanted to have a wife follow me I still didn’t want to lead her and instruct her. Rather, I thought it better to let her wander after me[1] because… because why?

Because I got a paycheck? Because I’m smarter?  Because I was taller? Those things are fleeting, like beauty, and so even if they are momentary gifts from God, it is foolish to make them requisites for headship. The need for a husband’s headship will very often outlast these conditions.

That truth of the withering nature of material worthiness hounded me in my heart. I knew I could not keep it up forever, but my hope was in human frailty and inertia; that if I was just patient then she would realize what sweet and worthy guy I was.

At the same time I knew that wasn’t true because the longer we were together, the more we fought. If a wife’s drive-by spats are fitness tests of me, they should have subsided upon proof of fitness because I gave better than I got. They didn’t. They just got more frequent, pettier is scope, and grander is exercise. Bitterness crept into everything. No peace. Because I hated what God had to say–and because I did not speak out against hate –there was no peace in my house. No peace with my wife. No peace within me.

Really, I have those three peaces listed backwards. The argument that I described yesterday (“What do you want me to do?”) took place after I had moved back in from a nine month separation. My agreement to reconcile was based on several demands I made of her: You will always do this; you will never do this; etc. They were very specific to my main frustrations. But before I even made those demands, I had already decided the most important thing that I would ever do for my marriage.

I confessed, angrily, to God that I did not like His way; hat I had not tried it because it seemed crude to me; that I had tried to do my own thing that looked like His way, but which was more sensible for our progressed times and people. Now, no matter what, I would try His way, and by this I would prove whether He was right, or whether He was wrong. Either I would live or die and my marriage would survive or not, but I would do so by His Word, and everyone would know. If I had not made that decision, I would not have had the answer to my wife’s question of what I wanted from her.

At the point of the question I walked away and went to smoke a cigarette. There I reflected on what I had said to God I would do. I went back into the bedroom and said, “I want you to clean, and cook, and take care of my children and my house like a wife is supposed to.” To which she spat, “Great.” and we continued our fight…but this time I did so with peace; with the knowledge that I could not lose because it’s not Cane Caldo’s word or headship at stake.

Ten plus years of poor leadership, bad habits, and entrenched rebellion is not undone in one fight, but from there things got better. For one, our fights had a real basis of disagreement instead of just festering feelings and bitterness. I felt free to say to her, “Didn’t I tell you to do this? Why isn’t it done?” And she could be mad at me all she wants, but the truth is that I don’t ask her to do insane things, and the reason she doesn’t want to do them is because she’s got an ugly, rebellious spirit, and that she’d better check herself because the Lord loves a quiet, respectful spirit.

She could have left, but she didn’t. She still gets mad at me, but she does what I say. She quit her job (against her wishes). We homeschool now; which was my idea, not hers. The house is clean(er) now, but I am satisfied that she does her best. I put the kibosh on a lot of volunteer activities that she claimed to enjoy, but actually drained her energy and spirits. The further I went along with this idea of being a husband according to God’s Word, the more I realized I wasn’t doing, and started trying to implement. And the more I implemented, the more I realized that my wife hadn’t really been disciplined about anything. She had no idea what it was like to live under real expectations; not the pain of failure, and not the joy of success.

Wash, wash, wash…

[1] Who could only be described charitably as misguided. It is more honest to say that I was deliberately going the wrong way.

She Got Games You Ain’t Even Thought of Playing

I’m going to continue on with the rest of a girl’s comment from Dalrock’s…

After reading the comments here (that a wife should submit to her husband even unto housework) I am going to ask [her prospective husband] how he feels about housework because I can’t see myself married to someone who has issues with it. I don’t want to be the only person who scrubs the toilet for the rest of my life.

which will, rightly, set off alarms for any man who is not a confessed feminist. It’s easy to see that before she’s even married she’s already rebelling against being a wife…not because she doesn’t want to clean toilets (no one does), but because she is both setting arbitrary rules against an imagined offense (which makes her the de facto ruler, and therefore against submitting to her husband) and because she is manipulative and deceptive. Though, feminist or not, most men would only feel the manipulation and deception. Many men couldn’t pinpoint it, but I’m here to help.

Check out the framing of her statement. “I’m going to ask him…” It’s a test, plain and simple. It’s a test that she knows she cannot possibly grade him fairly upon because she has already stated that he doesn’t know what he expects from a wife; particularly about submission. She’s counting on him being rattled by the question, and just backing off from the whole concept. She, however, does know the answer to the submission question test: It means she cleans a toilet if he says “Clean the toilet.”

“…[H]ow he feels about housework…” is so untrue it’s not even wrong. Feel has nothing to do with it. By moving the rational decision from the questions of

  • What should a wife do?
  • What does submission mean?
  • Who’s going to clean the toilets?

This way, if they argue, it happens in the arena of feelings and “he-said/she-said” instead of “Let’s look at the Bible.” This is necessary for her because she doesn’t want to admit that–way deep-down in her gut–that she hates what God has said. By he-sad/she-said she can’t really lose, because if she loses that means he’s a big meanie picking on a girl. Therefore he isn’t worthy anyway. When she really thinks about it, the way he doesn’t let her have her way is emotional abuse. So she will tell herself.

And let us not overlook the fact that this isn’t about housework. It’s about submission overall. She knows that, but he may not. She knows that if she gets her way about housework, she has precedent to get her way about everything. Sometime later, she’ll give-in to something that she feels is just his want (not her duty), and pat herself on the back for her maturity and willingness to compromise. If he ever brings up that it was her duty then she’ll regret it, and think of the whole incident as the time that he took advantage of her mature generosity. It’s like clockwork.

“I can’t see myself married to someone” has the subtext of “I’m considering others.” If it was a PUA’s statement some would call it Dread Game. She’s communicating that she is ready to replace him if he doesn’t let her have her way. Again, this will set a precedent for all future disagreements.

“I don’t want to be the only person who scrubs the toilet for the rest of my life.”

Classic ugly feminism for her to focus in on what she hates instead of what she loves.

You Must Be Because You Are

A female commenter over at Dalrock’s writes:

He brought up submission recently and I am concerned that he is overly focused on it. But when I asked him what submission would look like to him and his answer was vague each time. So it is something that is important to him but he can’t or won’t really describe or explain how it would work in our day to day lives.

This was me even after ten years of marriage. I recall one particular argument between my wife and I about her responsibilities; back in probably 2005. She, exasperated and angry at my hemming and hawing around (Yesterday I might have criticized her for leaving work early, and today I might have been angry that the house was a wreck.) cried out, “What do you want me to do? Do you want me to cook and clean all day, or do you want me to work, or what?”

Right then, for the first time, I fully realized that–because I was too chickenshit to appear sexist or hypocritical about work[1],–I had been passively hoping that she would pick “stay home, cook, and clean”, and therefore angry that–in the absence (and complete abdication) of my direction–she had chosen neither and both…just as I had demonstrated. Husbands don’t just need to be the leaders. Husbands are the leaders, and therefore must act accordingly. That’s not a guarantee that she will follow, but if she stays, she will follow. A wife cannot divorce staying a wife from following her husband anymore than a son can stay in his father’s home while refusing to mimic the father’s behavior, or reject his genetics. The consequences are unavoidable.

[1] Outside of the house work (earning “my own” money) was something of an idol that was given to me by my parents, and thoroughly enforced by American society as a whole. 

Off-Topic for Me: What is Neoreaction?

Mostly via Free Northerner’s (who has graciously linked my posts on many occasions) Lightning Rounds, I sometimes come into contact with the writings of folks who call themselves NeoReactionaries; shortened as “NRx”. At times, and in other places, I have disparaged the movement’s authors and works; particularly after the “Gnon” crap surfaced. You’ll have to look elsewhere for the (poor) explanations of it.

Over the last several months I have seen an increase in posts attempting to describe and unscribe what NRx is. In truth I have read more than once that there is not (or should not be) a NRX movement. Whether it is a movement, philosophy, posture, or whathaveyou: You know what I mean, and if you don’t then you can talk to me about it in the comments. While only the core NRx guys (NBS, FN, SP, Bryce, etc.) can tell you what NRx is supposed to be, I can only tell you what I see.

Neoreaction is Reformation. There’s more science, and more ritual (natural, as there is a lot of Roman Catholic NRx-ers), and a little too much Otaku, but it sure looks like Reformation to me. Of the historical figures who could recognize NRx as a thing after suffering a space-time vortex displacement, I would put Thomas Cranmer at the top of the list.

Donkey Talk

King Solomon, ~300 B.C.

25 I turned my heart to know and to search out and to seek wisdom and the scheme of things, and to know the wickedness of folly and the foolishness that is madness. 26 And I find something more bitter than death: the woman whose heart is snares and nets, and whose hands are fetters. He who pleases God escapes her, but the sinner is taken by her.27 Behold, this is what I found, says the Preacher, while adding one thing to another to find the scheme of things— 28 which my soul has sought repeatedly, but I have not found. One man among a thousand I found, but a woman among all these I have not found. 29 See, this alone I found, that God made man upright, but they have sought out many schemes.

Mom, ~last month

You know, Cane: Women lie a lot; especially when they’re young. All the time. I really hate to say that, but… If they think it will get them something, or get them out of trouble, or, make them look better, yeah, just get their way…women will just lie to everyone and even themselves. Haha! Yeah…especially themselves…

This truth about women (mothers, wives, sisters, daughters…all of them) is the one thing that men dealing with women need to know. The temptation for them to lie is very powerful; in no small way because their nature is to desire more than it is to discern. I suspect this has always been true, but I also think it must be even more difficult to resist in our current culture than in some previous ones. The permeation of relativism in our culture means that their grasp of the truth (when spoken, written, heard, etc.) is more tenuous

Along with that: I cannot imagine that there have ever been more systems for a person to skip between; each more beguiling than the last in its explanation of how to cure what ails a woman. Buy this. Move here. Grow that. Eat this. Pray this. Do these… Men are susceptible to such systematic ruses also, but as women will (and do!) follow, men falling to such sorceries only adds to women’s burden.

Nor can we forget that the laws, traditions, and sentiments of our era force men into the service of women without a reciprocal service, or even gratitude.

So, if this is true, can a man trust a woman? He can, but that trust must be based on watching what she does. A submissive wife, or daughter (or son for that matter) is known by her obedience; not by her lip-service. Let me put St. Peter’s admonition to wives’ obedience under a different light: Her words, even grumblings, are meaningless if she is respectful and has pure conduct; which is submission. Therefore, husbands with obedient wives must not let their own sentimentality get in the way of work. There is plowing to be done. Enjoy (as in: “bring joy into”) it, for there is no plowing in the grave.

An Example of the Difference Between Deception and Capitulation

For Donal Graeme, Moose Norseman, and Deep Strength; who are thinking through how men and women differently go astray.

Helen wakes and gets ready to see Tom; whom she desires. She does as she has been taught women do to get a man’s attention; what every woman she knows does. She shaves her legs. To her face she applies concealer, powder, lipstick, rouge, mascara, and eyeshadow. She films her dyed and highlighted hair with potions, and blow-dries it into a shape that defies its natural tendencies. Hose tightens and disguises her cellulite, while heels sculpt her legs and buttocks to appear longer and more pert. She puts on a bra that bulks her breasts before lifting and separating them. She tops it all with a frock which gives the appearance of bigger breasts, a smaller waist, and longer legs, and a spritzes herself with perfume to make herself smell different. She is pleased with herself, and thinks this is good for her and Tom; especially if it makes him love her.

Tom sees Helen. He is Texan and crass, and so he says to himself, “I believe I’d drink her dirty bath water.” Of course he believes nothing of the kind. It’s a funny thing to say (in a crass way, of course) because Tom knows drinking dirty bath water is foul, and wrong; just like fornicating with Helen. It’s an admittance that he’d give up his wisdom and respect for a chance to indulge himself in her deception, and her in her arrogance. He is not deceived about the nature of the event. He’s making a choice in full knowledge of what is right and wrong.

Did Helen deceive Tom with her appearance? Somewhat. He is aware it’s a show, and that it’s a show of an available woman. But keep in mind: In order to deceive Tom into believing she is more beautiful than she is, Helen has invested more than two hours in a campaign against her natural state. It is an elaborate and precarious setup which could not survive a washing. If Tom is fooled, then it is because the preparation was so intense.

To Helen he says, “What a lovely-looking lady”; whom he is not loving, and who is not a lady.

She falls immediately for his two-second line.

Cold Service is the Revenge Dish of Vanity

Two more emails have I received after my last legitimate post and the comments it garnered. The second email (of the three total) didn’t reveal much except to say that the plaintive wife claims to have been twice sexually abused previous to her marriage. I responded that I am suspicious of the claims. While sexual misconduct absolutely fits in the puzzle of the wife, it is impossible to judge the actions from this distance of time and space.

But let me be frank: I do not believe it, and it doesn’t matter if it is true. The facts surrounding the sexual misconduct are largely irrelevant but for one reason: It is a powerful weapon to wield against investigation by family and friends; a sonic beam which knocks down all incoming questions, and scrambles all signals. It is statistically much more likely that sexual misconduct on her part interferes with her desire for her husband than abuse she suffered, and that she is now lying about the part she played.

The third email, however, is worth dissecting, and will sound very familiar to a lot of men. You’ll see shortly why I have waited so long to post. This’ll take forever. It is a list excerpted from an email from the wife to her husband; which she forwarded to the woman who emailed it to me.

Let me bring back to bear a couple points. In the first email the husband was characterized as a binge-drinking escapist, and a domineering-yet-disorganized provider who griped about petty costs while ignoring a budget. Yes, the numbers are in the original email sent to the husband.

1. I fear your blame for any bills.  I believe you will blame me for any bill that is high.

With good reason. We’ll see shortly confession after confession of money leaking like a sieve from this family.

2. In September I asked you for some of my settlement money.  This was to be sure there was enough to cover both the __________ check for the _________ ad and also your credit card.  I firmly believed you would blame me and then curse me.  I fear and hate the cursing, swearing and raised voice. The emailer wrote that: “Settlement money refers to an insurance settlement she received from a car accident. He wouldn’t give her any, but she did not tell him what it was for ’cause she was afraid.”

My interpretation is that she didn’t want to be accountable for what she decided to do with the money; some here, some there. That is: She didn’t want to be held to spending it only on the claimed items, and nothing else. This provides her the ability to blame him (in this list, or in another future argument) for “thwarting her noble actions”. All the better to paint his as a petty tyrant. It is an example of grossly unfair fighting. In response, he has figured out he can yell and curse to get her to shut up; which is what he has decided to settle for.

3. I believe that you see me as worthless because I do not earn money…or don’t earn very much money.

Probably projection mixed with some poorly-executed criticism from the husband. Women’s expectations have become so over-inflated that they have a hard time realizing that housework and homeschooling are honest and rewarding hard work for women. All signals are that she stinks at it, and mostly quits when (surprise, surprise!) her kids give her the same poor attitude and begrudging service she gives her husband. I’d bet dollars against doughnuts on that. Then he comes home and sighs or yells “What have you been doing all day? What is so hard? etc.” He’s saying that because he doesn’t want to do what he needs to do; which is step up the micro-managment. Men hate it, but this woman needs it. He ought to be performing surprise inspections in the middle of the day, or use his vacation days to spring a surprise day home with the family while he watched how they operate and correct them. Women are to be honored as the weaker vessel. Often that means recognizing that jobs husbands find simple are surprisingly difficult for wives. Sometimes you gotta lead the donkey along the way, and sometimes you gotta pull the donkey around.

4. I tend to eat when I’m stressed out.  Milkshakes, sweet food, fatty foods, etc. are the things I end up craving when I feel hopeless, helpless, depressed and lonely.  I long for companionship, but the next best thing is food.  That, in turn, ends up being another expense.

She wastes a lot of money on foods that make her fat and lazy. Everything else is an excuse meant to make her husband feel responsible for her choice to do things that make her fat and lazy, and the family poor and indebted. See how she equates pleasure with genuinely satisfying things like hope and companionship? That’s because her whole concept of good revolves around pleasure.

5. I am full of self-hatred.  I hate the way I feel, I hate the way I look.  I have finally learned to believe that I am a fucking bitch, a hateful witch and a Satanic whore.  It worked.

Self-esteem cannot be fooled, but it can be lied about. She does things that reflect poorly on herself, and then (essentially) blames her husband for not changing himself to make her poor decisions bear fruit, and for not sufficiently hiding his displeasure at her selfish and immature choices. She’s only three-quarters wrong here, though. This man’s wife is spiritually sick, and he can exert some serious influence over her. Again, calm and cheerful micro-management (AKA: walking with her) will have some good effect.

6. I feel worthless because I can’t cook the way you want me to.  No matter what my day has been like, I’m worthless to you, and I’m becoming worthless to my children.  So I buy M&Ms and a milkshake and eat them.  I don’t need a lecture on how I can cook better.  I don’t have time for this anymore.  I’m bushed, beat and zoned.  I need you to accept what I can give and love me.  I need a warm, kind look and a real hug.  I need a loving backrub, not the slap-slap-slap on the back like you’re whapping a dog.  I’ve got kids to teach.  Sometimes it takes all day.

What do I mean by calm and cheerful micro-management?

“You’re exhausted, but you aren’t getting things done are you? You’re spinning your wheels, and no one is happy. We’re going to start by getting the kids into bed earlier. Then we’re going to get into bed earlier. (Be prepared to physically take electronics out of her hands, as one would a disobedient child.) Tomorrow, we’ll go through your day together and see where we can make improvements.” What he’ll find is that they start on, say, spelling, but the kids drag their feet until the wife begins to give up and ignore them. (It doesn’t take long.) That’s when he says, “Why are you letting this drag on, woman? Children, why are you being disobedient to my wife? Do you need me to inspire you?” The idea here is to be positive, and positively on her ass about her responsibilities. Wives HATE this in the moment, but a husband cannot be deterred by a wife’s immaturity and carnality.

7. I buy wine coolers to self-medicate when I am desperately longing for love and affection.  I believe if I come and ask, you’ll roll your eyes and slap me on the back like I’m a dog, or you’ll give me a quick side hug – or you’ll give me nothing and just ignore me.  So I go buy sweets and wine coolers (they taste better than regular wine).  Or I take myself out to lunch or dinner.  Then I feel better.  With the wine coolers, I feel numb and happy.  Then I don’t bug you and don’t incite your anger.

The alcohol problem in the family is really her problem, but she projects it on her husband. She is drinking on a regular basis, and now we also know that she is regularly spending the family treasures eating out; which can be incredibly expensive even at lower-middleclass eateries. “I take myself out to lunch or dinner.” Haha! How selfish and foolish is that? She phrases it as if she’s being kind…to herself! The farmer needs to get this cow out of the wheat field before she eats them out of house and home.

8. I get therapy when a holiday comes around because I am afraid of what happened in the past.  I know nothing but fear when it comes to a holiday.  I’ve been horribly punished for not doing a good enough job for Christmas Eve dinner, and for the leg of lamb being done before the vegetables at Easter dinner.  I’ll plunk $100 down to a therapist rather than go through a holiday without support and a backup plan in case you decide to punish me for something.

She gets therapy because it makes her feel special; which triggers her pleasure centers. This is more money burnt up for her pleasure.

9. I don’t want to end up in the State Hospital.  I remember when we would go to the punishment Mass (that was when the FSSP was at _________ in the afternoon) when I was in trouble for not getting everybody ready fast enough in the mornings.  Our route drove right by the State Hospital.  I was sure one day I’d end up in there and wouldn’t be able to get out.  My whole life would be up in smoke.

This guy really needs to get more involved in his wife’s business. It is sometimes as necessary and silly as following her around while she follows the kids around. I also recommend A LOT of slapping her on the ass.

Make no mistake: Unless she’s been hospitalized against her will before, she’s now straight-up fantasizing about resisting her husband as he tries to have her committed to an insane asylum.

10. I’ll never end up at the State Hospital, nor am I going to end up terrorized every holiday.  I deserve better.  I also deserve to be able to talk to my husband like a human being about making our budget, not crushed like a worm.  I have the right to have my wants and needs considered and given some credibility.

The saga continues. Not only will our heroine fight against The Men in White Jackets, but she has some wants and needs that are going to be addressed, or else the family funds get it! The idea that she has been actually restrained from anything is ludicrous. She chooses when and where she eats out; against his wishes. She buys herself junk food and alcohol; against his wishes. She procures and pays for “therapy”; against his wishes. Has this woman ever heard a hard “No” in her entire marriage?

11. Our kids are good kids.  They are awesome kids.   They are not bad and they are not behind.  I am a decent human being and I have talents.  I have something worthwhile to pass on to them.

Pure posturing. A shameless attempt to steal her children’s beauty for herself. A previous email stated that there were some issues getting one of their children to read before age eight; with no explanation for the trouble. Bearing in mind that she is their teacher, she has some responsibility for that. She doesn’t like that.

12. I can’t help it if I talk indirectly.  I need to know I’m safe.  If I’m not safe, I tend to test the waters until I know I am.  I am not a man.  Please don’t try to turn me into one.

Translation: I will say whatever I want to get whatever I can, and any effort to elicit the truth is foolish, you stupid man.

13. MY SAFETY AND MY CHILDREN’S SAFETY IS MY NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.  If I perceive myself to be unsafe and unloved, I will flee until I believe the environment is going to be safe for me.  Safety means no yelling, no anger, and no terror or intimidation.  I’ve been unsafe long enough.

More posturing and more stealing of her children’s glory. When first recognized, the shamelessness of piggybacking on one’s children is breathtaking. It’s like watching her eat them.

Anyways, this “safety” talk is coded warning of a coming separation; a testing of the divorce waters. “Unsafe and unloved” really should be heard as “unsafe OR unloved”. She already feels unloved, but he won’t make the mistake of actually being unsafe. In other words: Since he refuses to actually abuse her, she’s making dislike interchangeable with abuse. Later, she’ll just start calling it emotional abuse, and that will satisfy her sense of indignation. Indignation at what? At the fact that he dared to under-appreciate her choice to put herself before her kids and especially her husband.

14. I deserve to look beautiful and to be beloved by the people I’m close to.  If I can look beautiful, it makes it easier to be beautiful inside.  I can be more beautiful inside if people verbally affirm this.  I used to spend a lot of time trying to tell my students how much potential they had, how they were so wonderful inside.  I was able to do this with Boy and Girl for a little while, until I no longer had that ability.  I had been depleted and had no more left to give.

Nobody deserves these things. She told others lies, and and now she won’t recognize the truth. That’s how it works. Boy and Girl are their children. Notice how she admits she can’t be bothered with their kids. I thought she had lots to give the kids, and that she gave them their best during the reading crisis? Everything is just lies, lies, lies all the time. This woman has no interest in the truth whatsoever.

15. I can’t give anymore because I have nothing left to give away.  I don’t have the qualities anymore.  The qualities have been replaced by fear, loathing and depression.

The lie here is that she omits that she purposefully replaced them; that she chose to bring in fear, loathing, and depression because she was bored, and desperately afraid that she, herself, is boring and petty. Which it sounds like she is. Why? Because SHE thinks mothers are boring and petty. Teaching children in a school was real work to her, but she finds raising her own children lame. Her husband must confront that as he’s micro-managing her. He won’t be able to encourage her out of it either; at least not in the beginning. He’s going to have to get her to admit that she believes being a mother is lame; that she resents it. Only then will the poison come out.

16. I don’t need new appliances.  I don’t need anything that costs money.  I just need your love, your warmth, your affection and your understanding.  You’ll have given me the moon and the stars if you would be willing to give them.  If you’re not willing to give them, that’s OK because you should make that choice yourself.  But if you don’t give them, then I need the money for more therapy, because I owe it to myself and to my kids to be able to pull myself out of the mud pit and become whole again.

New appliances mean more matronly work; which she hates. She’s right that she needs love, but she will not like it. What she is trying to express is that she wants him to like indulging her rampant waste, fatness, laziness, and general disregard for anyone except herself.

All I know to do is self-medicate, curl up in fear and stay far away from you.  What is it you want me to do?

Having said all I have, this last question is key…key to the whole thing. The husband really needs to answer this honestly. For all her lies and ugly selfishness, she is still a woman, still his wife, and still wants to be pleasing to him. She wants his instruction even if she hates it, she cannot deny that she wants it.

I’m afraid.

She’s ramping up the drama for the sake of ramping up the drama. Watch out, husband, and if you love your family: Tell her what you want her to do; piece by piece, and moment by moment.