After reading the comments here (that a wife should submit to her husband even unto housework) I am going to ask [her prospective husband] how he feels about housework because I can’t see myself married to someone who has issues with it. I don’t want to be the only person who scrubs the toilet for the rest of my life.
which will, rightly, set off alarms for any man who is not a confessed feminist. It’s easy to see that before she’s even married she’s already rebelling against being a wife…not because she doesn’t want to clean toilets (no one does), but because she is both setting arbitrary rules against an imagined offense (which makes her the de facto ruler, and therefore against submitting to her husband) and because she is manipulative and deceptive. Though, feminist or not, most men would only feel the manipulation and deception. Many men couldn’t pinpoint it, but I’m here to help.
Check out the framing of her statement. “I’m going to ask him…” It’s a test, plain and simple. It’s a test that she knows she cannot possibly grade him fairly upon because she has already stated that he doesn’t know what he expects from a wife; particularly about submission. She’s counting on him being rattled by the question, and just backing off from the whole concept. She, however, does know the answer to the submission question test: It means she cleans a toilet if he says “Clean the toilet.”
“…[H]ow he feels about housework…” is so untrue it’s not even wrong. Feel has nothing to do with it. By moving the rational decision from the questions of
- What should a wife do?
- What does submission mean?
- Who’s going to clean the toilets?
This way, if they argue, it happens in the arena of feelings and “he-said/she-said” instead of “Let’s look at the Bible.” This is necessary for her because she doesn’t want to admit that–way deep-down in her gut–that she hates what God has said. By he-sad/she-said she can’t really lose, because if she loses that means he’s a big meanie picking on a girl. Therefore he isn’t worthy anyway. When she really thinks about it, the way he doesn’t let her have her way is emotional abuse. So she will tell herself.
And let us not overlook the fact that this isn’t about housework. It’s about submission overall. She knows that, but he may not. She knows that if she gets her way about housework, she has precedent to get her way about everything. Sometime later, she’ll give-in to something that she feels is just his want (not her duty), and pat herself on the back for her maturity and willingness to compromise. If he ever brings up that it was her duty then she’ll regret it, and think of the whole incident as the time that he took advantage of her mature generosity. It’s like clockwork.
“I can’t see myself married to someone” has the subtext of “I’m considering others.” If it was a PUA’s statement some would call it Dread Game. She’s communicating that she is ready to replace him if he doesn’t let her have her way. Again, this will set a precedent for all future disagreements.
“I don’t want to be the only person who scrubs the toilet for the rest of my life.”
Classic ugly feminism for her to focus in on what she hates instead of what she loves.