You Must Be Because You Are

A female commenter over at Dalrock’s writes:

He brought up submission recently and I am concerned that he is overly focused on it. But when I asked him what submission would look like to him and his answer was vague each time. So it is something that is important to him but he can’t or won’t really describe or explain how it would work in our day to day lives.

This was me even after ten years of marriage. I recall one particular argument between my wife and I about her responsibilities; back in probably 2005. She, exasperated and angry at my hemming and hawing around (Yesterday I might have criticized her for leaving work early, and today I might have been angry that the house was a wreck.) cried out, “What do you want me to do? Do you want me to cook and clean all day, or do you want me to work, or what?”

Right then, for the first time, I fully realized that–because I was too chickenshit to appear sexist or hypocritical about work[1],–I had been passively hoping that she would pick “stay home, cook, and clean”, and therefore angry that–in the absence (and complete abdication) of my direction–she had chosen neither and both…just as I had demonstrated. Husbands don’t just need to be the leaders. Husbands are the leaders, and therefore must act accordingly. That’s not a guarantee that she will follow, but if she stays, she will follow. A wife cannot divorce staying a wife from following her husband anymore than a son can stay in his father’s home while refusing to mimic the father’s behavior, or reject his genetics. The consequences are unavoidable.

[1] Outside of the house work (earning “my own” money) was something of an idol that was given to me by my parents, and thoroughly enforced by American society as a whole.